Chatterbox, blabbermouth, busybody, confabulator, clack, gossip, magpie, windbag, circulator, flibbertigibbet, gossipmonger, informer, newsmonger, parrot, discourser, prattler, babbler, scandalizer, talebearer, conversationalist . . .

Although all of these words are accurate, I like to think of myself as more of a sharer of wild tales, a storyteller illustrating the events passed and present, of hillarious stories and incessent ramblings. When in all seriousness I am just someone who doesnt know when to stop talking, a constant noise in the background, the chatter of meaningless random words playing in the corner . . . the person you try and block out when you're head is pounding and you just want SILENCE!

However for a select few out there I am entertaining to some degree, so if you're up for a bit of a giggle, the latest slice of juicy gossip or some mind numbing drivel, grab you're cuppa, put you're feet up, and join in on the gab, you're more than welcome!

- Ash

Sunday, 29 January 2012

I wanna get a good old fashioned Gokking!!

I wanna get myself Gokked . . . . thats right, I want a good old fashioned Gokking!! Gok me up baby with a sprinkle of Gokkles on top!

Since I dont have a TV these days I spend a bit of time trying to find entertainment online, now that I have watched every available episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (WHICH I LOVE BTW) I have been on the search for something new . . . and boy oh boy did I find it!

Everyone, meet Gok Wan! (

He rocks my socks!! (Relaxxxx everyone, I havent converted to loving the asian persuasion, I love Gok because he is BRILLIANT, and I have been known to be a bit of a 'fag hag', or 'fruit bat' as Dan so eloquently calls me)

I watched my first ever episode of Gok's Fashion Fix today and I am totally in love, and now all I can think about is how much I just wanna get Gokked!!

Check it out peeps:

Get addicted people - before I know it I will be seeing status reports all over facebook of people declaring their need to get a good Gokking! IM EXCITED!

Gok ya later!

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Loosing my damn mind

I was all ready for work, just about to walk out the door, grabbed my swipe card, my pen, my phone . . . . . . . where the hell are my pub keys?!

I have a routine, when i finish my shifts I wander in my door and head straight to my bookcase, I empty my pockets and place everything on the shelf and from this point they do not move until I leave for my next shift - whether that be a mere 2 hours later or a few days down the track - they are always there waiting for me

N O T . T O D A Y

My keys are nowhere to be found!

Let me just stress the importance of this particular set of keys - they give the beholder access to the front and back doors to the pub, all of the wine cases on display, the cellar, the wine store, THE SAFE and the office. You could almost even compare them to those you would find attached to the hip of the warden of a mental institution or a prison. Its as though I have left the keys to the White House underneath the doormat, begging someone to let themselves in and take what they like . . 

I . A M . I N . D E E P . P O O . P O O . K A K A

So here I am, merely minutes before my shift starts, ripping my room apart like a crazy woman, clothes are flying across the room, followed by shoes, pillows, books, towels, my pony, an accordion, and anything else I can get my muggy little mitts on . . . I am officially freaking out

With time not on my side, I wander downstairs with my tail between my legs, ready for my beating . . . . . . . Low and behold, Lucy just laughed at me as I stood there explaining the dilemma in my shaking, panicking, manic state and handed me her set!

As soon as I finished work I ran upstairs and started raiding the only other room I access in the staff quarters - The Kitchen, hahaha, typical I know

Whilst I am in mid destruction of the kitchen, my little Russian friend, Artur, comes in with a puzzled look on his face - Im pretty sure he already assumed I had a screw or two loose, but at this point in time when im standing in the middle of the kitchen up to my tits in paper roll, bread and jars of condiments, he is 100% sure I am from another planet altogether . . .

I look up from my mess, plonked myself on the floor and let out my inner 2 year old with a high pitched and defeated whiny:

"Artieeee . . . I've lost my keeeeeeeeyys and Yanis is going to killlll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

He simply shook his head and said "No , I have keys, remember?" and pulled them from his little pocket and jingled them in front of me

I . C O U L D . H A V E . D I E D

How could I be so stupid to forget that I gave Yanis my keys as Artur was going to be in the pub late to re-paint the walls in the kitchen!

I have officially lost my mind!

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Call me "Bruce"

I have been making a few trips to Brentwood to visit Hayley May of late and travel in and around London can be rather taxing on the old purse strings. Upon a long conversation with the 'Ticket Man' at Bearsted station the other day I discovered that both Hayley and I are eligible for a 'Young Persons Travel Card' which gives us several discounts when purchasing train & bus tickets

A W E S O M E !

So I took 2 of the application forms and went on my way

Whist bored on the train (during my ridiculous, long winded, 3 hour commute by train to Brentwood - would have only taken me 35 mins if I had a bloody car!) I was reading over the application form and discovered that you must produce a passport photo of yourself for use on the card.

At Maidstone station they have one of those funky photo booths where you jump behind the curtain that smells like extremely mature and undesired cheese and nanna's old talcum powder, insert the same 2 coins several times before the bleedin thing accepts them, pull an expressionless and slightly constipated face, press the slightly sticky button, try not to blink as the obscenely bright flash tries to blind you and wait an extended period of time while the booth shakes and grinds before out pops a selection of little replicas of you're very own face . . . .  ingenious!!!

Once I finally arrived at the Haus of Halz, I proudly whooped out my shiny new passport photos and we compared them to my passport, obtained merely a month before we left on our 'soul searching mission to the glorious United Kingdom' and the difference between the photos is insane!!

Take a look at that!!

Did I have a moon face or what! And check out the size of my earrings, it looks like I have inserted frankenstein's bolts into my earlobes and dubbed them 'industrial chic'!  hahaha

Halz and I were joking that in this picture I looked as though I'm the head biatch at the High Security Womens Prison where I would 'illustrate' the others with my homemade tattoo gun made of a sharpened metal chair leg, some barbed wire, an old hair straightener and the remnants of my chewing tabacco used as ink during our 'freetime', that my fellow inmates feared catching my gaze from across the quad as though it was the death penalty and was affectionately referred to as Bruce

We soon had Hayley's passport out too and decided that with the Jet Black and seriously straight mane, thickly spread dark eye makeup and pale white skin, she looked like Bruce's Bat-shit Crazy cellmate Tanyaa who everyone avoided in fear that she may suddenly spaz out and stab someone with the closest inanimate object, like a fork, or toothbrush or unripened banana . . .  she is the one who hums songs from the muppets whilst rocking in the corner, uses merely one finger placed under someones nose to stop them in their tracks mid run and can stare blankly into someones eyes for hours without blinking once . . . . . Tanyaa is not to be fucked with!

Isnt it amazing how much ones appearance can change and develop over the course of 12 months - And . T H A N K . G A W D . that it did! hahaha

Im sure there will be twisted tales of Tanyaa and Bruce soon enough - stay tuned!

Whats that over in the corner there? . . . Oh, whoops!

Long time no blog I hear you say . . . . I know, I am horrible, I have neglected our friendship, left my poor little blog to gather dust bunnies and spiderwebs in the corner . . . and I am truly ashamed

I guess you have been wondering what has occurred of late!

I will sum things up in a brief, yet informative, bullet point listing of the goings on since I last graced your humble screens with my blabbering;

  • I moved to The White Horse in Bearsted, Kent. Lovely charming village, great people, I quite enjoy the lifestyle in Kent, as it is the aptly named 'The Garden of England', and all it has to offer and have been working a 'colourful' 50 hours a week

  • Have become quite the bookworm during the absence of my sister AND a television, quite enjoying the silent pleasures that reading has to offer and if my calculations are correct I should now personally own 3/4 of Waterstones

  • Christmas and New Year were rather flat and tiresome, their first occurrence since leaving the family in Oz and they just didn't quite fulfill their hype . . . firstly it was not WHITE, there was no snow whatsoever! The festive season mainly consisted of work, work and more work, followed by serving other families whilst they enjoyed the festivities together and the grand finale of ringing in 2012 during a 14 hour shift, serving the population of Bearsted copious amounts of booze whist being 40 miles away from your Best Friend/Little Sister - Joyous!

  • Decided I was going to undergo the pilgrimage back to my homeland in February to visit my family, friends and loved one for just over a month. Resigned from my position at The White Horse and got myself all excited . . .  however upon looking at the finer details, pulled the plug a few weeks from leaving and decided to move back in with the soul sista in Brentwood instead to save money for traveling at the end of the year (to be honest I seriously need to move closer to Hayley May anyway, just to prevent myself from turning into an expressionless mute due to complete and utter loneliness and lack of social stimuli)

Well - there you have it!

And what am I up to now you ask? Well considering I am technically unemployed, I am on the search for what I hope will be a 'real job' one that will not consist of constant back breaking physical exertion and strings of never ending split shifts for a pathetic hourly rate . . . 

W I S H .  M E .  L U C K

I am also in the midst of planning our European Extravaganza that we hope will kick off in mid July! How very exhilarating!!!

Stay posted for updates on the job hunt and the quest for the ultimate backpacking adventure - not to mention the big move back to B-Wood, Valentines day and My 24th Birthday are all just around the corner . . . . and Im sure their dials are all set on "SHOCK AND AWE" (or atleast on "FREAKING AWESOME", if im honest, our life hasnt seemed to cater for anything less than that so far and im sure that wont be changing any time soon)

Love you all big time, long time, phong time!